I’m a stepchild but I can’t understand a stepchild’s lot

My Mum just did one of those random posts which you have to do too if you like or comment on it on Facebook thingies.

Hers was ‘I’m going to be on Jeremy Kyle’.

After threatening to disown her I did have a think about why possibly she would be appearing…. narrowing it down was the issue, not thinking something up!


My Mum married Husband #1 (she’s on #3) in her late teens and I came  along (more recent disclosures have revealed he wasn’t actually my ‘natural’ father, but that’s maybe a tale for another time. See what I mean about Jeremy Kyle?) when she was 22 and before I was two, we were out of there.

She was soothing me late one night, stood in the window watching all the neighbouring families drunkenly dragging their small children back from the local club and decided that wasn’t for her/ me/ us, so, on top of a lot of other nonsense, has an epiphany and moved back in with her Mum.

She married Husband #2 when I was two, the maths confirms my brother was on the way, and they were married for 18 years, until he died.

That man is my Dad. He raised me, I called him Dad, I took his name (although never ‘legally’, what problems THAT has caused in these days of enhanced security), I held his hand when he died.

I never once felt like his ‘step’ daughter. My brother and sister have never felt any less than that to me, no ‘halves’ there. I am incredibly lucky.

I had no contact with Mum’s husband #1 (my assumed father at the time) after the age of three, so I wasn’t split between two families missing out on one thing there that my brother and sister did, splitting Christmases, deciding who would walk me down the aisle a couple of times. It is beyond my comprehension how children and their families do it, but obviously they do.

I am never going to have the relationship with Whirling Dervish that I had with my Dad, where she considers me her Mum, nor should she and that is absolutely fine. She has a Mum and not being one is my life choice.

I am concerned about what will happen when her new little brother comes along. Will she want to/ be expected to spend more time with her other family unit? I get that she will want to spend lots of time with the new baby. What I worry about is how it will impact the time Husband (and I) get with her).

How will her other family unit work if she spends a weekend with us, comes on holiday with us, spends Christmas with us? Will she feel like she’s missing out when her Mum, stepdad and brother doing something she’s not there for?

I struggle getting my head around it because I really was a daughter, in all but biology, not a (typical?) stepdaughter, not blended into more than one family.

I just need find a crack in the seamless egg of the concept, get a fingernail of my thoughts into a slight chink and I might be able to grasp it.

Of course, it will all happen however it happens. That’s how the world works. If we all had to actually think how to put one foot in front of the other rather than just getting on with walking, we’d spend most of the time on our backsides!


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